October 13, 2023 – Many people are uncomfortable with death. So they look away. They don’t attend funerals or memorial services. I get that. I was like that once, though I did attend. I just didn’t know what to say.
Until I was a mourner and (almost) no one showed up.
Mourners are grieving a hurt that can never be undone. They may be angry. They may feel guilt. Memorial services are not for the dead. They are beyond help. Memorial services are for the mourners who need comfort to go on with their lives.
The need for comfort is compounded a thousand times in a time of war. Yet the war may be distant with mourners stranded in all parts of the world unable to attend in person.
Yet the temptation to look away is great. The pain is so great. The politics of the moment is trying to divide people and withhold aid and comfort from the enemy. The temptation to look away is great.
Uncomforted mourners may be unable to transcend their rage.
And this is how more mourners come to be created.
So, what is it that I learned to say to a mourner?
I learned that it wasn’t what I said that mattered so much as being there. The thing that I learned as a young boy was to say “sorry for your loss” and nothing more. I learned you take your cue from the mourners. This was said to be a religious tradition. I don’t know where it came from, but it always seemed to be a good idea. If you attend, your attendance is at the service of the mourner. You’re not there to teach any one a lesson. You are there to listen.
Maybe this is the scary part. Listening.
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Eightoh9 
I grew up in a large Catholic family. Funerals, for the most part, were a true celebration of life. Sharing stories of the deceased and catching up with relatives you haven’t seen since… well, the last funeral.
Funerals for younger people are truly sad, while funerals for those who have lived a full life seem a fitting conclusion.
As I’ve aged, my take on death and dying has evolved. But, yes, funerals are indeed for those left behind.
Some were not ready for the change, and the comfort of ritual and people around you can ease the transition.
Mourning and grieving have changed with the advent of COVID-19, as many of us could not gather to remember our deceased loved ones. And now, people who have been violently taken from us; we cannot achieve closure or view the remains. And not people who were able to live their complete lives, people killed in a senseless series of acts.
“Nothing that grieves us can be called little; by the external laws of proportion a child’s loss of a doll and a king’s loss of a crown are events of the same size.”
Mark Twain, ‘Which Was The Dream?’